There are several general ways in which people tend to cope with unsupportive, maladaptive thoughts. Another article looks at challenging them, but this article focuses on an approach that accepts these thoughts and lets them take their course. At first glance, these two philosophies may seem contradictory, but they can be successfully combined.
The ideas presented here come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which has its roots in mindfulness meditation and the concepts of Eastern religions and practices. I will try to present this approach in a brief and clear way, but if you find it interesting, I recommend you to read more on this topic. There are a number of similar materials in this area, including one I have enjoyed, The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety (John Forsyth and Georg Eifert).
In this article, we will look at some concepts from this approach. ACT is often used to reduce anxiety, but the same ideas can be applied to other issues.
Non-adaptive thoughts cannot be eliminated completely
One of the key ideas behind this approach is that our thinking cannot be completely controlled. Deliberate attempts to change our thoughts - for example by challenging cognitive errors or using relaxation exercises - can only help partially. It is impossible to think positively or feel happy all the time in 100% cases. Sometimes we will feel insecure, pessimistic, sad or anxious - that's just life.
Moreover, trying to think “only positively” all the time can make you feel even worse, because it is impossible. Often, when we try not to think about something, we directly draw more attention to it (a classic example is when I say “Don't think about the purple cat”). ACT believes that many people struggle with distractions such as anxiety because they put too much energy into suppressing them, which paradoxically only increases the power of these feelings.
Let non-adaptive thoughts go
So what to do when faced with unpleasant thoughts and feelings when they arise? Here are some of the basic techniques, although there are many more. An important approach is to recognise that critical self-talk, anxiety and depression are not pleasant, but they are not usually dangerous, and we are able to take action even when we experience them. We can also learn to experience unpleasant thoughts and feelings more distantly, without letting them completely overwhelm us. Our disturbing thoughts are just another part of us that is not just bad or evil.
Our mind produces all kinds of thoughts, and not all of them come from the “real me”. Some of it is just random noise or “internal chatter” that we don't need to pay too much attention to. We can simply notice such thoughts and choose not to react to them. It is not worth getting into discussions or eviscerating non-adaptive thoughts, that would only give them more meaning and power. Instead, we can neutrally register them and let them flow away.
Example: if the thought “I am an orange” pops into your head, you are unlikely to react with panic - “Oh no, how did I turn into an orange?” - because you clearly understand that it is just a thought. But if “Nobody loves me” or “I'm not going to make it to tomorrow's job interview” pop into our heads, we are much more likely to see it as a truth or a problem that needs to be fixed. Most often, we can't make these thoughts never happen again, but with practice we can learn not to react to them automatically. This can be visualised as standing by a river and noticing the leaves floating away down the river.
When troubling feelings arise, such as anxiety or sadness, the idea is not to fight them, but to let them express themselves and move on. Emotions come and go, and if we don't overreact, they usually subside quickly. For example, if anxiety is not “inflated” by fear of the anxiety itself, and we allow ourselves to just be with the anxiety, it can pass in as little as 15 minutes.
Mindfulness exercises
There are several exercises we can practice to observe events in a neutral way. This is a skill that needs to be trained and developed. Many exercises involve meditation, observing things or focusing on our thoughts. The aim is not to achieve an ideal calm or “enlightenment” that eliminates all problems, but to observe thoughts and feelings without judgment or overreaction.
A simple exercise you can try: sit quietly for 10 minutes, close your eyes and focus on your breathing. There is no one “right” way to feel. All you need to do is focus on your breathing and if your mind wanders off into thoughts, simply return your attention to your breath without jumping to conclusions. During these ten minutes you may experience different thoughts such as “This is not working”, “I am bored”, “I feel even more anxious than everyday”, “My legs are not comfortable”, “I know I should focus on my breathing, but it is not that easy”.
The aim is not to think in a particular way. If your mind wanders completely all the time and you can't concentrate on your breathing, that's acceptable too. The idea of this meditation is to accept that the mind can do whatever it does, and it is acceptable, and you can observe it and not react to it. Easier said than done, but definitely worth practising.
Combining both approaches
Both the thought-challenging approach and the acceptance approach can be useful for coping with maladaptive thoughts. The strategy of challenging and restructuring thoughts works well when the thought is obviously exaggerated or unrealistic. For example, if someone has the thought “If I don't make friends with everyone in this new team, I'll be alone forever!”, it is clear that we can see how far-fetched it is and we can change it.
However, the approach of challenging thoughts cannot completely cleanse our thinking and a philosophy where we accept our thoughts can be useful for the remaining unsupportive thoughts, letting them go without reacting to them and not letting them stop you from doing what you had in mind.
Neither approach is a panacea, but both together can give you much more flexibility in how you deal with your thoughts and emotions.
To learn mindfulness and relaxation skills, as well as thought-challenging and reframing skills, join the IDARTO Centre for “Skills for Change” or psychological techniques for the video library “Psychologist in your pocket”.
Source: McLeod C. “Accepting and Rolling with Maladaptive Thoughts”. MSW. https://www.succeedsocially.com/rollwiththoughts